Vietnamese Lessons

It occurred to me today, whilst powering through the last 2km of my 16km run (see how I just slipped that in there) to Coldplay's 'Viva la Vida' (for the dance that I choreographed to this on an afternoon of marking-induced insanity, please await a Youtube clip that is to go viral), that I have learnt many a strange and wondrous thing whilst in Vietnam.  I shall, hereafter, be referring to these acquired skills, surprisingly transferable and lifelong in their nature, as my Vietnamese Lessons, since my actual Vietnamese Lessons are so far non-existent and I have spent a whole day working myself up to using the word for 'water', but funked on two occasions and just pointed and gave the shop assistant/bar tender the 'encouraging gimp' face in the hope that this would support the communication of my dehydrated message.

However, please find below a long, fascinating, and at times chortle-worthy list of the things that I have learnt, as collated in my head over an hour and fifty five minutes of taking part in a really boring sport.  What is the obsession with running, anyway?  For me, it's just to say I am Li Hi, but what about other people who are so evidently Li Hi that they don't need to prove it by dying on the steps of Angkor Wat?

Whilst in Vietnam, I have learnt...

1. How to ride a moped (with gears).  This is a subcategory in its own right of 'things I have learnt'.  Included in this subcategory are:
1a. How to roll down a curb backwards whilst on a moped, with traffic coming both ways, secure in the knowledge that they will simply swerve around you as you carry on in your own wobbling little world.
1b. How to manoeuvre a moped out of a very tight space without any help from One Who Has Slight Resemblance To Eddie Redmayne.

1c. How to drive directly into oncoming traffic on the Highway of Death and cross said traffic in order to wait at lights to cross four more lanes of oncoming traffic.

1d. How to drive through District 1 with only 90% Fear with either the Frenchie or Risk or Death behind me making soothing noises and assuring me that they feel totally safe and confident in my abilities.

2. How to run for longer than five minutes without dying.
2a. That I have nothing to fear from my own sweat and that sweat is in fact a sign of a functioning body and a Li Hi lifestyle and not the socially inappropriate signal of an over-excited pervert on the underground.
2b. How to placate stray dogs by thinking 'you are a silly dog' over and over again instead of 'holy crap, the rabies!' because they can smell your fear, whilst maintaining a pace of exactly 7kmph.
2c. That sometimes my iPod is generous to me and I have never, in my life, run 17km at a pace of 6.13kmph, no matter what the nice American lady tells me through my headphones.
2d. That my iPhone doesn't enjoy being shoved down my sports bra and sweated all over, and will protest by passing out, refusing to turn on, and downgrading me to a Nokia C1-01.

2e. That on the 2nd December 2012, I will breathe my last, sweaty breath on the steps of some temple or other at Angkor Wat.

3. That English has more than one past tense - three that I'm currently aware of.  Greedy language.

4. How to drink coffee.  I shall now be accepted into the Sunday Morning Sheppard Coffee Circle that involves wrapping a cafetiere in a tea towel and reheating coffee in microwaves and shunning milk and reading newspapers.

5. How to cook without a cooker.  It involves a lot of pasta, rice, and curry-type dishes.

6. That I write way too much on my blogs, but you love it anyway : P

Signing off before I become tedious...