Calling for Back Up

For your reading pleasure, a delightful play entitled 'Calling for Back Up', based upon real life events:

I am definitely Lucy Liu in this version of events... Lucy Liu in distress.

(A voice over.  Undetermined location.  MUMMY'S voice is slightly crackly, as if long distance.)

Emma: Mummy, what do you think of these bridesmaids' dresses?
Mummy: (Pause) umm... darling, I don't think that's the most flattering photo...
Emma: (with rising hysteria) there's something wrong with them, isn't there?
Mummy: well... darling... I think... what is the material like?
Emma: MUMMY SAVE ME!  I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO ANYTHING WEDDING RELATED!
Mummy: (confidently) don't worry, darling.  I'm booking flights.  It's all going to be okay... I'm bringing... Your Sister*.

*a.k.a. Organiser of All Things and Colour Coder of Planning Resources and Materials.

(Cue Led Zeppelin 'Black Dog' opening riff.  Mother and Sister are seen appearing over the arch of a hillock in the distance, slinging unsatisfactory wedding bouquets over their shoulders and zipping in tape measures in slow motion.  Behind them, a confetti bomb explodes, and their hair blows in the winds of the blast.  Simultaneously, both shake their heads, a la the L'Oreal advert and begin their slow motion descent upon my life in order to Fix Things and Establish Order and Fluff Dresses and to ask questions like, 'Are the doors in the venue big enough to adhere to the legalities of a full scale evacuation in case of fire?' (Sister) and 'Don't you want to show just a little bit of decolletage, darling?  It would be such a shame to waste them.' (Mother - believe it or not).)